My Prison Without Bars:
the Journey of a Damaged Woman to Someplace Normal
the Journey of a Damaged Woman to Someplace Normal
By Taylor Evans Fulks
When I went to Taylor about reviewing her book, she warned me about it first. Giving me an escape: should I want or need one. I assured her I didn't, and decided to read it, and also found a real soul Sister along the way as well.
Through out Twitter, as well as email, Taylor and I chatted as I read. We opened up to one another and found a lot of similarities. But, that's not what you're here for is it?
This book is eye opening. I have underwent so many emotions as I read, I couldn't keep up with myself. If anyone had been watching me read, they would've thought I was insane. Not only do I read abundantly faster then most, I talk to myself out loud. Especially when characters um.... (How to word this professionally) irritate me. I was laughing at her word choices: "ass crack of dawn" and the fact that Taylor speaks just how she would in person as she does in this book. She holds back nothing. You can tell, your opinion, my opinion? It doesn't matter. She just wants to teach others not to suffer as she has, to learn from her mistakes; (not that the mistakes were hers in the first place!) I also feel, that as Taylor wrote this, somehow she was hoping; like a journal "God willing" maybe it would or could help her to move on. Whether it has or not, only Taylor knows.
Taylor is a survivor. Whether or not her Mother truly even "wanted" her as a Child, only God and her Mother know, but with these words and life lessons that Taylor has and had endured, it shows us: she survived and so can we! She went through terrible things, many of them. Always surviving and striving to succeed.
In the end, at the very last chapter and the Epilogue I was crying profusely. Before that, I was dumbfounded to learn that all along, her Mother knew she was being raped and molested. In so many ways, I found it hard to contain my anger and upset with the "people" who had been in Taylor's life.
I will tell you this: I do give the book five stars. I wish I could give it more. It was a deep and painful read. But very close to my heart. And I am truly grateful that Taylor Fulks was born and is alive today to educate us and share with us, so that others will stand up and speak out against their attackers, even if they are: "family!" Family or not, that is not love!
To Taylor: You have survived for reasons and sharing your story was and is one of them, to teach others that where there is a will~there is a way.
~
Here is the back cover of the book:
My interview Questions for Taylor:
If your Mother is still alive, how is your relationship with her now?
Yes...My mother is still living and resides about forty miles from where I live. Her revelations, which I stated in the book, were a game changer for me, though it took years, and writing about them to finally digest their impact. I severed all ties with her early in 2014.
If you're still with Tony, how is your relationship with him now?
Tony and I are still together, though we are more like roommates than husband and wife. Many women can forgive infidelity, unfortunately, I cannot. I've had so many betrayals in my life; I finally drew the line with his. You cannot raise the dead, and my love for him died a long time ago.
I'm bound to him financially...owing jointly on an enormous annuity loan.
Do you still only have Jaden and Charlotte or have you had more Children since?
The two best things to come out of my life are Jaden and Charlotte. Jaden is twenty-three and graduating from nursing school in May of 2015. She came and observed me doing Open Heart Surgery, and decided she wanted to do what I do.
Charley is nineteen, a freshman in college, majoring in pre-med, and my social butterfly. Like her dad, she doesn't know a stranger, and loves the social spotlight.
Neither has read my book, and swear they never will.
Have you sought counseling?
Right after my mother divorced Gene, she took me to a counselor at our church. He was a male and of little use to me. Then in college, I took a few psychology courses (again, trying to please my mother) and met a counselor in the department. She took me on for the better part of a year, coming to the conclusion that I was ANGRY, and needed to confront my mother. At the time, I couldn't fathom doing that.
Years went by, and I had children of my own. When Jaden was eight (the age I was the first time Gene raped me) I had the dream I described in the book. Jaden had taken my place in the scene...she had become the one defiled and damaged! I couldn't sleep for weeks, the shadow of the dream always under the surface. I feared sleeping!
So I sought counseling. Again, I was informed that I was ANGRY! (Ha! Really?)
Soon after that, I had the knock-down-drag-out with my mother in my kitchen. My girls say they'll never forget day. I dare say I won't either!
Do you still have nightmares?
Not as often as I used to. As my girls reached their teens, my mind put the fears away. Unfortunately the nightmares returned with a vengeance when I wrote my book, and continued, as I had to re-read it for editing. I've had a two-year respite from the nightmares, until recently, when I had to listen to my book in audio for edits. Listening to it, reading it, and reliving the hell I endured, puts me in a funk I find very hard to come out of, and get over.
Since the publication of this book, have you seen or been reacquainted with the persons in this book?
Do you mean my abusers? If so, No. I haven't seen Gene since I was twelve; the last time he raped me. I did see him in a 4 x 5 pic as described in my book. Yeah...my mother and stepfather did have lunch with him and his son.
I haven't seen my birth father, Gerald, (sperm donor) in twenty-three years. The story of that severance is way too long for this interview. His father, Leonard, died when I was a teen, and his mother, Vivian, died in her nineties, two years ago.
Isabelle, was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and died one year after I found out about Tony's affair. I had thrown him out of our home, and he lived with and took care of his dying mother. He moved back home shortly after her death.
What education do you have?
I have a degree in Nursing. I’ve worked in Surgery for twenty-nine years. I have been a Certified RN First Assistant, specializing in Open Heart Surgery for nineteen years. I harvest the vein from the patient’s leg through a scope (Endo-scope and camera) then prepare it as a conduit (a graft) for bypassing a blockage on the heart. I assist the surgeon in bypassing the blocked arteries, then wire the chest closed and sew up the skin…Easy-Peasy!
What do you do now, in your spare time?
Heehee…What spare time?
Before writing and publishing my book, I was busy coaching travel-softball with my daughters. Both girls were awesome pitchers. I also loved to garden and landscape. I was diagnosed with skin cancer and had to give all that up. Now, I’m the "nocturnal gardener” and I’ll soon be working on my next novel.
What does everyone think of your book? Is it helping others to "see the light" and escape their captors?
I never expected more than twenty people to read my book, so the awards, reviews, and response to it have been humbling and overwhelming. I’ve had over five hundred emails, private messages on Facebook and Twitter, and contacts via my website from other warriors facing their own demons. I’d like to think it has brought the subject out in the open, and encouraged dialogue, though child sexual abuse still remains taboo in mainstream media.
Some have hated me, and my book. I have suffered my share of cyber bullying, hate mail, death threats, and trolls on Goodreads and Amazon. I still don’t understand the need to victimize a survivor all over again. It takes all kinds, I suppose…
Where have you lived?
I was born in Texas, and lived in just about every major city in that state. Because my stepfather was in the Air Force, we lived in Arkansas, and Michigan. My mother and I lived in Oklahoma until I moved to Ohio, to live with Tony. I’ve lived in this little river town on the banks of the Ohio River for thirty-two years.
Do you feel your book will help others?
That’s a difficult question to answer. You see…I didn’t write it for other victims. I have warnings about the content and subject matter on my Amazon page as well as inside the book. It is definitely a trigger for CSA victims. No…I wrote my book in a rage after the Penn State case, involving Jerry Sandusky and Joe Paterno. A group of students and administrators were interviewed on TV after the riots on the campus. One man, a professor or administrator, looked into the camera and said, “The punishment to the University is 'too harsh’ for the crime!”
Needless to say, I saw red! I tore up my original manuscript and started over, determined to enlighten the ignorant about the hopelessness and darkness, that is the “everyday life” for sexual abuse victims.
Did writing this help you move on in any way?
It’s been an ongoing process, but yes, it has helped me move forward. I can’t change my past, nor can I have a do-over in regards to the decisions I’ve made, and things I’ve done in my life. In essence, I’ve learned acceptance. I lived my life, viewing myself as the little girl from the trailer court, always the victim with a secret to hide. That little girl is gone, replaced by the woman I have become. I just recently recognized that woman. I really like her, and who she has become…
Have you had any speaking events to help enlighten women?
No…Unfortunately, the subject matter is still taboo and not viewed as suitable for discussion. Several of my daughter’s friends asked the High School principle to invite me to speak. He declined the idea. It remains a subject that is better left unspoken. It is a crime of secrets and shame, perpetrated from behind closed doors. It’s something we can’t stop from happening, unless we give up our rights to privacy, and that won’t happen. So, the only option is too teach children (age appropriate) to tell. Teach teachers and school officials to recognize and encourage children to do so. It doesn’t correct the abuse that’s already occurred, but maybe it can be stopped before a child is irreparably ruined. That’s my hope, anyway.
How is your relationship with your daughters?
God has blessed me beyond measure! I have two of the most wonderful young women in the world, call me MOM! They are happy, healthy, well-adjusted young women, and we are very close. I consulted them before I published my book, explaining the fallout that could and probably would occur, as well as the personal aspect of sharing my story with the world. They responded in unison, “Go for it, mom!”
Is anyone in your family upset with you for writing this book?
Of course…
My mother remains in denial, telling my daughters that I’m lying and vindictive. My husband and daughters haven’t and don’t plan to read it, so they are oblivious to the contents. My husband’s family is mortified for the most part, and neighbors and friends have asked me to divulge the identity of players in my drama…much like the town’s folk in THE HELP, when all the maids finished the book with the reporter. High school friends, who never knew about my life, have offered sympathy and support, while others who know the players, deny my story. To each his own. I lived it…
But the beauty of fiction is that only I know the true identity of the players.
Do you ‘still' feel you are the ‘cause' of all your problems?
Children are very literal creatures. They believe what they see, and learn what they are told. Essentially, children learn what they live. I’ve had to overcome years of believing my mother’s accusations…”if you hadn’t done this,” or “you always did that, so that’s why he did it.” I marched right into adulthood believing on some level, that I was the root cause of all my problems, and I continued to believe that for many years. As I said, this is an ongoing process, but the little girl from the trailer court, the victim, is gone. Truly, this revelation is what ultimately ended my relationship with my mother. No child causes abuse of any kind!
What have you learned…from your life?
Oh my...This blog post would be endless if I could list everything! I learn something new about myself, everyday.
I am strong; stronger than I ever imagined I could be...
I’ve learned it’s OK that I don’t love my mother, anymore…
I’m not a victim or a survivor. I am a warrior…
I am worthy…
I’m no longer ashamed…
I’m not dirty…
I am free…
There are so many things, but those come to mind right now.
Are there things left out of the book?
Obviously, I couldn’t tell everything that happened in my life, within the confines of a book. But I took the most memorable and life-altering experiences, penned them to make my points, and put them into a story…my story, told my way. The sexual abuse I endured went on for nine years of my life, day in and day out, with no hope of ever ending. It was my existence, my reality. It also carved the path of my life, affecting my decisions, my view of myself, and my relationships with others.
How, and what, truly made you so strong?
I truly believe that there’s a warrior in all of us, whether buried really deep, or just under the surface, but he/she is there innately. It all depends on where we are when we need to call on the warrior. Some are lucky, like me, and the warrior evolves and comes forward when the need arises. Others are not so lucky. Maybe fear or circumstances beat the warrior down. Who knows? But for whatever reason, I feel I was meant to have this life and eventually find the courage to tell my story. All I can truly say is that I am so grateful that God saw fit to send me down this path.
Please provide us with links to all of your sites to buy your book, follow you, and become your fans:
I’m thrilled to be able to announce that my book will be in audiobook format on iTunes, Audible.com, and Amazon in mid-November, 2014. My lovely, and talented narrator, Em Eldridge, is the voice of MY PRISON WITHOUT BARS. I can’t wait for everyone to hear her.
My exclusive obligation to Amazon is over, and I will also be distributing both eBook and print versions on KOBO, NOOK, iBOOKS, OYSTER, SCRIBD, and so on, very soon...
MY PRISON WITHOUT BARS: viewBook.at/MyPrisonWithoutBarsTheJourneyofaDamagedWomant
Amazon Author URL: http://amazon.com/author/taylorevanfulks
Email: tfulks20@gmail.com
Website: http://www.taylorfulks.com
Facebook Author Page: http://www.facebook.com/taylorevanfulks
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/taylorfulks
Twitter URL: http://www.twitter.com/taylortfulks20 @Taylortfulks20
Pinterest: http://www.pinterest.com/taylorfulks
Are there any last comments you would like to add?
No one’s hell is worse than another’s…but when we are there, we endure it alone.
If I could give one piece of advice to anyone who has been touched by child sexual abuse, whether as a victim, or a loved one just becoming aware…
Write your story. Not to publish or share with anyone else. Write it for yourself. Be descriptive…the smells, the color of the curtains, the way the room looked, and the situation before, during, and after the abuse. Write how you felt then, and now. Write what you did, didn’t do, and what you think you could have done. Sign it, then read it. Read it again, and again, and again. Then burn the damn thing!
Self-flagellation, you say? No, it’s personal validation. In nursing, we are taught that if you don’t write it down and sign it, it didn’t happen. So, write it, sign it, and read it. There is something very healing in the writing and the reading. Even if no one sees it or reads it, or for that matter, believes you…it still happened! Once you’re able to see it, you can start to deal. We don’t heal from these types of wounds, ever! But we can staunch the bleeding, and move on with the business of living.
I wish you all peace from whatever demons you hide…
~Taylor
My Prison Without Bars: The Journey of a Damaged Woman to Someplace Normal by Taylor Evan FulksMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
When I went to Taylor about reviewing her book, she warned me about it first. Giving me an escape: should I want or need one. I assured her I didn't, and decided to read it, and also found a real soul Sister along the way as well.
Through out Twitter, as well as email, Taylor and I chatted as I read. We opened up to one another and found a lot of similarities. But, that's not what you're here for is it?
This book is eye opening. I have underwent so many emotions as I read, I couldn't keep up with myself. If anyone had been watching me read, they would've thought I was insane. Not only do I read abundantly faster then most, I talk to myself out loud. Especially when characters um.... (How to word this professionally) irritate me. I was laughing at her word choices: "ass crack of dawn" and the fact that Taylor speaks just how she would in person as she does in this book. She holds back nothing. You can tell, your opinion, my opinion? It doesn't matter. She just wants to teach others not to suffer as she has, to learn from her mistakes; (not that the mistakes were hers in the first place!) I also feel, that as Taylor wrote this, somehow she was hoping; like a journal "God willing" maybe it would or could help her to move on. Whether it has or not, only Taylor knows.
Taylor is a survivor. Whether or not her Mother truly even "wanted" her as a Child, only God and her Mother know, but with these words and life lessons that Taylor has and had endured, it shows us: she survived and so can we! She went through terrible things, many of them. Always surviving and striving to succeed.
In the end, at the very last chapter and the Epilogue I was crying profusely. Before that, I was dumbfounded to learn that all along, her Mother knew she was being raped and molested. In so many ways, I found it hard to contain my anger and upset with the "people" who had been in Taylor's life.
I will tell you this: I do give the book five stars. I wish I could give it more. It was a deep and painful read. But very close to my heart. And I am truly grateful that Taylor Fulks was born and is alive today to educate us and share with us, so that others will stand up and speak out against their attackers, even if they are: "family!" Family or not, that is not love!
To Taylor: You have survived for reasons and sharing your story was and is one of them, to teach others that where there is a will~there is a way.
~
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